Mom, I
Hate My Life!
Becoming Your Daughter’s Ally
Through the Emotional Ups and Downs of Adolescence
By Sharon
Hersh
Q: Help! My daughter says she hates her life!
A: When your
daughter exclaims or murmurs, “Mom, I hate my life!”, don’t despair! Her words are not the end of the story. In fact, they may be the beginning of a
great adventure. This book is about
developing a relationship with your daughter that enables you to confront together
the challenges of helping her develop emotional maturity. Yes, that means together you can face
typical teenage moodiness, hostile or silent withdrawal, swirling anxiety and
worry, and even self-destructive behaviors that may arise in the midst of
emotional turmoil, and not only survive, but thrive!
Q: So how do we stay connected
during this tidal wave of adolescence?
A: The good
news for moms is that they are equipped with the most powerful resource
available for maintaining connection with their daughters: a mother’s
heart. What I call hand-in-hand mothering
begins with the conviction that as we stretch to meet our daughters’
needs—learning in the midst of not knowing, and giving even when we don’t feel
like we have anything to give—we can experience personal transformation and
guide our daughters toward emotional maturity.
Q: I like the
idea of becoming my daughter’s ally.
But is it really possible?
A: Whether
or not you become allies in the storm of adolescence depends on your
perspective. If you see the storm as
evidence of your own failure or become angry with your daughter for causing the
storm, the chances are good that you and your daughter will become
alienated. If you run from the storm or
determine to control the gale-force winds, you will miss the chance to bond
with your daughter. If you can welcome
the storm as an opportunity to forge an alliance with your daughter, you will
grow, and your daughter will be on her way to emotional maturity.
Q: I don’t know what to say when my daughter is in one of “her moods”
A: One of the
most important statements in mothering during emotional turmoil is, “I know you
feel bad right now. You will not always
feel this way.” It is easy for both
mothers and daughters to become enveloped in the mood of the moment. As we remember that emotions come and go, we
have faith in the possibilities of the future.
Right now it is
important to lay a foundation between you and your daughter for dealing with
the inevitable changing emotions that will come as her story unfolds. What you feel about feelings will
determine whether you become allies, moving together toward emotional maturity,
or whether your daughter will hide from you because she suspects that you fear
or dislike her emerging emotional life.
What you feel about feelings can also give your daughter hope about who
she is becoming in the tumultuous process of growing up.
Q: You talk about allowing our
daughters to “become.” But I’m afraid
my daughter is becoming something that might need to be locked up for a very
long time!
A: Before you
jump to the conclusion that I’m a permissive parent who is missing an
opportunity to discipline and instruct, ask yourself which has been most
effective in your own life: when someone reacts to your moodiness and bad
behavior with disapproval or a lecture, or when someone sees past your
moodiness and bad behavior with a vision of who you could become? As our daughters grow into adolescence, our
real power is less in ruling them in the moment and more in trusting who they
are becoming.
Have you ever
wondered what keeps God from intervening in the midst of all our foolishness
right now and putting an end to our misery and the misery we create? He sees more than swirling chaos.
Q: When my daughter is pushing
me away, and saying cruel things, it really hurts! What do I do?
A: Don’t take
it personally. You will have to remind
yourself of this often and pray without ceasing! Even when your daughter’s words seem personal and even if she
insults you directly, her words rarely have anything to do with you. Her cruelty and rejection come in part form
all the pain and pressure she has experienced in relationship.
If you are in a
particularly tempestuous time with your daughter, writer these words on sticky
notes and place the notes on your bedroom mirror, the dashboard in your car,
and over the kitchen sink: Don’t take it personally. If you don’t take it personally, you will be
able to love your daughter and listen to her—even when she is pushing you away.
Q: My daughter
seems to be becoming a loner—which is something I struggle with even as an
adult. How can I help her?
A: It is
important for mothers of girls who drift toward being a loner to consider their
own relationships. If you “mother” from
a distance, your daughter may shy away from relationships because she feels
uncomfortable with connection. Now is
the time to examine your own distance and explain to your daughter your
awkwardness or reluctance in relationships as well as your internationality in
developing friendships. If you’ve not
worked on your own relational life, now is the time! Even if you’ve been a loner for most of your life, I know that
your heart for your daughter compels you to want something better for her. Use this longing to change yourself, and
you will discover along the way that determining to model something different
for her will bring rich rewards for you.
Q: My daughter complains a lot about her body and appearance, and I don’t want her to end up with an eating disorder. How do talk to her about this?
A: Your
daughter’s complaints about her body are excellent opportunities to probe her
emotional life. If your daughter
believes she has to “stuff” her emotions, then body-image distortions will take
on a life of their own and may swallow her completely. Consider weaving some of the following
questions into casual conversations with her:
Don’t be afraid to warn your daughter about the serious consequences of eating disorders. Read articles and watch movies about girls who have struggled with body-image issues or eating disorders. Get informed and open so that the wisdom and warnings about disordered eating are a natural part of your dialogue with your daughter—before eating disorders develop.
Q: My daughter is depressed and suicidal. I think she may be under satanic attack. What should I do?
A: Stay
connected! Some well-meaning Christian
parents who believe in the spiritual implications of suicidal thoughts and
behaviors use their spiritual beliefs as an escape from relationship. When your daughter is depressed and thinking
about suicide, she definitely needs prayer, but she also needs you. She doesn’t need a sermon or an exhortation
to trust God; she needs to know that your faith in God will push you to
your knees in prayer for both of you.
If she can’t believe in God’s love and power right now, tell her that
you will believe for her until she can believe for herself. Transform your fears about satanic influence
into prayer and faith in God that He cares for you and your daughter.
Q: I suspect that daughter has been cutting herself. Why would she do this? How can I help her stop?
A: Girls who
cut or otherwise injure themselves are as unique as their individual
personalities. However, all girls who
self-injure share two common perceptions: “I don’t belong” and “I can’t express
myself.” And it’s important to note
that more than half of all self-injurers have suffered sexual or physical abuse
during childhood. Girls who injure
themselves need help from a therapist or a treatment program. Often, getting your daughter onto the
healing path is a formidable task, but it is one of the greatest gifts you will
give her.
Q: My
daughter’s choices are breaking my heart.
Is there hope for us?
A: Some of you
may be in a dark night of mothering right now, and not every mothering story
ends in victory. I have learned about
mothering in the midst of heartbreaking sorrow from my own mother. My mother went through unspeakably difficult
time when my brother was on drugs. I
will never forget the day when my mother had to decide whether to press charges
against her own son for stealing from her checking account to buy cocaine. The choice was agonizing: either continue to
protect him from the consequences of his actions, or sentence him to an arrest
warrant. We didn’t even know where my
brother was.
I stood by my mother as the tears ran down both our faces and she signed the papers. Then she did the strangest thing: she took the pen and started writing on her hand. I asked, “What are you writing”?”
“I’m writing the
number for his arrest warrant,” she answered.
“It’s all I know about him right now.”
My mind
immediately went to that Old Testament scripture, “Can a mother forget the baby
at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget
you! See, I have engraved you on the
palms of my hands.” (Isaiah 49:15-16
NIV)
Just like my
mother, we will experience times when we do not know what to do, but we can
love. The wondrous circle of give-and-take
of extravagant love is this: As I love my daughter, I experience more of God’s
love for me, and as I experience God’s love for me, I can better love my
daughter. God does not leave us in the
dark as to what this love looks like—neither His love for us nor our love for
our daughters. He fleshes out love in
one of the most well-known passages in scripture: I Corinthians 13.
Mom, I Hate My Life!
By Sharon
Hersh
WaterBrook
Press/Shaw Books
Available
April 20, 2004
ISBN:
0-87788-023-9, Family Concerns/Parenting
Trade
Paper, 240 pages, $13.99
Author
interviews and review copies available upon request.
Contact
McClure Muntsinger Public Relations, Jana Muntsinger, 804.754.2118