Mom, I
Hate My Life!
Becoming Your Daughter’s Ally
Through the Emotional Ups and Downs of Adolescence
By Sharon
Hersh
How many times
have you known when your daughter needed you before she even asked for
help? When she was a baby, could you
distinguish her cries for feeding from her cries for attention? Have you ever awakened in the middle of the
night knowing that your daughter was in trouble or needed some specific
direction from you?
Our “knowing” is the God-implanted instinct
intended to be our compass during the inevitable storms of adolescence. But there is nothing like teenage turbulence
to make us disregard our own internal compass while we grab on to the side of
the rocking boat for dear life. We
“drop our compass” most often when one of the three waves of fear washes across
our mother’s heart: the “tapes” of the past, the troubles of the present, or
the terrors of the future. These
distortions of perspective slice through the connection with our daughters,
weakening the invisible bond between us.
Perhaps one of the
biggest changes that a young girl goes through in the transition of adolescence
is the new experience of intense moods and emotions. The female brain starts to respond more intensely to
emotion. Feelings, especially sadness,
trigger neurons in an area eight times larger in the female brain than in the
male brain. That explains some things,
doesn’t it? All of a sudden your
daughter becomes aware of a wide range of feelings over which she seems to have
not control. A lot of this fluctuation
of mood is due to hormones.
Even though your
daughter may be moody, sullen, angry, or withdrawn, she is not your enemy. Any thought that relegates your daughter to
that position is destructive to the relationship and is a roadblock to making
positive change.
But you are at war. You are at war for the emotional maturity of your daughter. This war requires that you remain rooted in your love for and your commitment to your daughter and your belief in your unique gifts and abilities to mother her. This is a war that requires empathy for your daughter’s emotional experiences and appreciation for what she brings to the relationship. This is a war that requires the determination to find every way of connection possible and to steer clear of communication that might result in disconnection.
When your daughter
asks you to leave her alone, give her space.
Honor her demand, but always return with an invitation. Your invitation conveys the message, “No
matter what you do or how ugly you behave, I will always love you and be your
mother. I will never exclude you. You always have a place of belonging with
me.” Meet your daughter’s relational
aggression with relational commitment.
Practice inviting
reconnection with statement like these:
What if your
daughter has started to dabble in strange eating behaviors or obsess about
losing weight? What if you suspect that
she might be skipping meals or taking laxatives? Now is not the time to abandon her to an “expert” and hang your
head in shame at your perceived failures or inadequacies at mothering. It is never too late to become your
daughter’s ally in developing a healthy body image. You may need to consult with a therapist or physician who
specialized in eating disorders, but your role is pivotal not only in helping
your daughter overcome potentially dangerous eating behaviors but also in
strengthening the bond between you as you guide her toward emotional
maturity. Your daughter needs a good
relationship with you now more than ever.
Although
self-injury is almost always done in private and kept hidden, it clearly
conveys a message for others to receive.
The girl who injures herself wants someone to care about her loss as
much as she does, and she wants to be able to communicate all that she is
feeling without condemnation.
Unfortunately, self-injuring behavior usually has a counterproductive
result: It frightens parents and alienates girls even further from family and
friends.
If you suspect
your daughter is self-injuring: pay attention!
Ignoring the behavior will not make it go away. If you suspect she is cutting, begin your
journey together on the path to recovery by saying, “I’m very worried about
you. I’ve seen the scars and marks on
your arms/legs, and I’m afraid you may be hurting yourself. Please know that you can talk to me about
this. I won’t freak out, and you won’t
be in trouble. I just want to help. I have a few ideas, but I want to know what
you are thinking first.”
When you ally
yourself with your daughter and seek a medical evaluation, insist on
counseling, and encourage your daughter to take care of herself while she is in
this vulnerable time (by getting massages, paying attention to her physical
health, and spending time with friends) you model for her how important it is
to ask for help when she is in need.
You put a real-life perspective on Jesus’ words, “Blessed are the poor
in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:3-4, NIV)
How do you think
your daughter—your despairing, angry, ashamed daughter—would feel if you
reminded her, “Some of the greatest artists, writers and leaders in the world
have suffered from depression. You
belong to an honorable company”?
What if you told
your daughter, even though she’s irritable and hard to be around, the
following: “More than half of the psalms are cries of despair and anguish. What you are feeling doesn’t mean you’re
unspiritual. You belong in the company
of others who think about life deeply and honestly”?
Might your
daughter relax, even though she’s acting out or withdrawing, if you told her,
“You belong in our family. We want
you. Nothing will ever change our love
for you”?
The beginning of
the continuum of suicidal thoughts and behaviors is the best time to bring this
subject out into the light. If your
daughter is talking or writing about dying, chances are that she is confused or
worried about suicide. She may be
testing the waters—bringing up the subject, in part, to see how you react. If you ignore her comments, the thoughts may
take root in the soil of solitary brooding.
If you cut her off or shut her down, the ideas can become a private cause
that she begins to champion. If you can
respond with comments that invite discussion and reveal compassion, you can
help diffuse the power and allure of suicidal thoughts.
When Kristin was
about six years old, I left her for the day with a baby-sitter so I could get a
little breather from the tasks of mothering.
When I came home, I found a somber daughter and baby-sitter waiting for
me. “I’m sorry I was bad,” Kristen
cried as soon as I walked in the front door.”
“What happened?” I
asked with my heart beating faster by the moment.
“I’m sorry, too,”
the baby-sitter added as my apprehension grew.
“I thought she was playing in her room, but she was writing all over the
walls.”
My mind flew to
the newly painted bedroom upstairs.
“Oh, Kristen,” I exclaimed with heartfelt disappointment. “How could you? We just spent a lot of money having the walls painted.” And before she could answer, I ran upstairs
to survey the damage. “You better come
with me,” I called angrily to Kristin as I ran up the stairs, “and show me what
you’ve done.”
The writing on the
bedroom walls stopped me in my tracks.
My angry heart quickly melted to a strange mix of guilt for yelling at
my daughter and joy for what she had done.
Scrawled across the wall in Crayola colors were the words, “My mommy is
the best mommy in the world.”
God reminds us of
our position in the strangest places—in the worry of a late-night vigil, in the
ever-changing climate of a teenage girl’s moods, in the eagerly scrawled words
of a six-year-old. Jehoshaphat’s words
steady our faith, “Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance
the Lord will give you.” (II Chronicles
20:16-17)
Your position:
appointed mother to your specially designed daughter. Your mission: to wait for the deliverance God will give you. And while you wait, keep your eyes steadily
on Him, and see His faith in you.
Excerpted from:
Mom, I Hate My Life!
By Sharon
Hersh
WaterBrook
Press/Shaw Books
Available
April 20, 2004
ISBN:
0-87788-023-9, Family Concerns/Parenting
Trade
Paper, 240 pages, $13.99
Excerpts
available for reprint by permission.
Contact
McClure Muntsinger Public Relations, Jana Muntsinger, 804.754.2118