Excerpt
from Shannon Ethridge’s
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Not Just Men Battle Sexual Temptation
From Stephen
Arterburn’s foreword to Every Woman’s Battle
Since
I helped write Every Man’s Battle, many women have asked me, “Where is
the book to help us with our battle?”
This book has emerged as a reply.
While it may not be so obvious for women as it is for men, there is a
battle that almost every woman will have to fight—the battle for emotional and
sexual integrity. But a woman’s battle does not usually begin with a lustful or
a wandering eye, as it does for a man.
While women are visually stimulated as well, their battle is typically
more subtle and begins in much deeper territory. For women the battle often begins in a heart full of
disappointment.
A
woman’s disappointment in men, circumstances, God, life, money, kids and the
future can cause her heart to wander.
If she’s single she may turn to fantasy and self-gratification, hurting
her potential to develop a healthy sexual connection with her future
husband. If she’s married, she may
start comparing her husband with every other man, and when she does, he always
comes up short. Unknowingly she betrays
her husband with almost every thought of him and someone else she views as
superior.
When I heard Shannon’s story and met her, I knew she could write this book. She has experienced the temptations that most women are too embarrassed or afraid to admit. For years she had a wandering heart—but no longer. Shannon’s heart was healed as she embraced God’s plan for sexual and emotional fulfillment. Married or single, you can find help and hope within these pages. May God bless you greatly for your desire to seek His truth.
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What Does a Woman of Sexual Integrity Look Like?
Living what
she believes from the boardroom to the bedroom
For a Christian woman, sexual and emotional integrity means that her thoughts, words, emotions, and actions all reflect an inner beauty and a sincere love for God, others, and herself. Not that she is never tempted to think, say, feel, or do something inappropriate, but that she tries diligently to resist these temptations and stands firm in her convictions. She doesn’t use men in an attempt to get her emotional cravings met, or entertain sexual or romantic fantasies about men she is not married to. She doesn’t compare her husband to other men, discounting his personal worth and withholding a part of herself from him as punishment for his imperfections.
She doesn’t dress to seek male attention, but she doesn’t limit herself to a wardrobe of ankle-length moo-moos, either. She may dress fashionably and look sharp or may even appear sexy (like beauty, sexy is in the eye of the beholder). But her motivation isn’t self-seeking or seductive. She presents herself as an attractive woman because she knows she represents God to others. A woman of integrity lives a life that lines up with her Christian beliefs. She lives according to the standard of love rather than law. She does not claim to be a follower of Christ, yet disregard His many teachings on sexual immorality, lustful thoughts, immodest dress and inappropriate talk. A woman of integrity lives what she believes about God, and it shows everywhere from the boardroom to the bedroom.
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The Secret to Intimacy & Ultimate Fulfillment in Marriage
Finding the
love you desire
Do you remember the first time you felt you were in love? How he dominated your thoughts morning, noon, and night? How you could be available at a moment’s notice if you knew he was coming by? Remember how you would drop anything and everything when the phone rang, desperately hoping to hear his voice on the line? No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t get him off your mind, right?
God longs for you to be that
consumed with Him. Not that you can stay on a mountaintop like the one just
described every day of your life (all love relationships go through peaks and
valleys), but He desires to be your first
love. He wants your thoughts to
turn to Him throughout the good and the bad days. He wants you to watch for Him expectantly, so that you sense Him
beckoning you into His presence. He aches for you to call out to Him and listen
for His loving reply. Although He wants you to invest in healthy relationships
with others, He wants you to be most concerned about your relationship to Him.
The secret to ultimate emotional satisfaction is to pursue a mad, passionate love relationship with the One who made our hearts, the One who purifies our hearts, and the One who strengthens our hearts against worldly temptations. The secret is to focus your heart on your First Love.
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Inspire—Don’t Require—Intimacy
We wives want our husbands to look inside of us, to pay attention to us, and to give us the emotional intimacy we crave, and we often try to force them to do so. When we attempt to require intimacy in this way, the last thing they want to do is respond to our demands. Requiring it is futile. Intimacy can, however, be inspired. By letting go of your husband to meet your emotional needs and redirecting your focus on meeting his needs instead (whether those needs be for plenty of sleep or for physical pleasure), you are serving him. In this way, his desire will eventually be to serve you as well. He’ll recognize your desire to meet his needs and that desire will be contagious if you don’t abort the process by becoming impatient or expecting too much too soon.
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Sex As a Form of Worship
Intimacy in
being spiritually naked
God designed sex to be shared between two bodies, two minds, two hearts, and two spirits, which unite together to become a one-flesh union. For help in seeing your lovemaking as an act of worship, I suggest you begin by getting spiritually naked. Pray together and invite God into your bedroom to help you experience the joy and the wonder of what He created and gave you as a gift for marriage. If you are not in the habit or praying together as a couple already, this may seem awkward for you. If so, start by praying together each night with no intention of engaging in sex afterward. As you talk and share openly with God and with each other, you will more than likely experience a spiritual closeness over time that may awaken your desire for a more intimate physical closeness. As you both begin to experience this greater level of spiritual connection (and assuming you remain faithful in keeping your mind focused on intimacy only with your husband rather than with another), you will discover a deeper level or emotional fulfillment in your relationship. For a woman, it is these deeper levels of mental, emotional, and spiritual intimacy, which are key to igniting a passion for physical intimacy with your husband.
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The Mind of an Unfaithful Woman
How our
thoughts weaken our defenses
Imagine an actor preparing
to perform a play. She memorizes her
lines, gets inside the character’s head, and tries to imagine how this person
would feel and act. She rehearses being that person. She thinks intently about doing what that person would do and
saying what that person would say exactly the way she would say it. The more she’s rehearsed being that
character, the sharper and more “automatic” her performance.
Something similar happens when we
fantasize sexually or emotionally about inappropriate or sinful behavior. We are rehearsing when we think about the
conversations we would have with a particular man if we were ever alone with
him, when we entertain thoughts of an intimate rendezvous, or wish that a
certain man would take special notice of us.
When we rehearse these scenarios, we imagine what we’ll say and do in
these encounters. Then when Satan lays
the trap and leads that man our direction, guess what? We are more than likely going to play the
part exactly the way we have rehearsed it. When we don’t guard our minds in our
relationships with men, we weaken our resistance before any encounter takes
place.
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Be Careful Little Tongue What You Say
The
unfaithfulness of our words
What is a four-letter word for a woman’s favorite foreplay
activity? T-A-L-K! Think about it. What affair has ever taken
place without intimate words exchanged?
Women often tell me, “I’ve not been unfaithful to my husband. All this man and I have done is talk.” But
what is the nature of the words exchanged? Maybe he says things like:
“I was hoping to see your beautiful face today.” OR “My wife and kids are out of town and it
sure is lonely at my house.” OR “I
had a wild dream about you last night. Waking up was a disappointment.” OR “Does your husband appreciate what a
wonderful woman you are?”
Perhaps she responds with words like:
“I just
love being around you. You always make me feel good.” OR “When will I see you again? Can you call me
soon?” OR “What would your wife say
if she knew we were talking like this?”
What would she
say? What would your husband say? “It’s
okay, honey. You haven’t been unfaithful yet?”
I don’t think so. Spouses feel very betrayed by such words. As a matter of fact, those words would
probably hurt just as badly as any physical acts you could have committed,
because they indicate that your heart is no longer fully invested in your
marriage relationship.
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HELP! I’m Face to Face with Temptation!
How to
redirect tempting thoughts
We constantly make choices
either to dwell on or disregard thoughts.
We can either entertain ideas or ignore them—and sexual temptations or
emotional cravings are no exception. So
what do we do when we come face to face with temptation?
ü
When you come face to face with temptation simply do the next thing. Were you on your way to your office when you
encountered this fine specimen? Then do not tarry. Go to work. Were you heading
to meet a girlfriend for lunch? Don’t keep her waiting. Go. If you want to remain on the path toward
righteousness, don’t allow yourself to get sidetracked by a handsome man if
this is a relationship you should not entertain.
ü
Rather than eyeballing an attractive man, avoid the second
look and simply say to yourself, “Thank you, Lord, for Your awesome creation!”
When you notice a beautiful creation, just give credit to the Creator and move
on.
ü
Meditate on scriptures that you have memorized as a way to
keep your focus where it needs to be. One of my favorites to help me overcome
temptation is Revelation 3:21: “To [her] who overcomes, I will give the right
to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on
his throne.”
ü
Sing a song in your mind that helps you
resist temptation. Steven Curtis Chapman’s “Run Away” and Susan Ashton’s “Walk
On By” are two songs I’ve kept on mental standby. They’ve saved my thought life from taking a downward turn many
times through the years.
ü Pray for
his wife. If he doesn’t have one, pray
for the one he will have someday. Or pray for your husband or the one you will
have some day. Remind yourself that entertaining romantic or sexual thoughts
about this person is mental adultery, and thank God that with His help you are
able to keep you heart and mind pure.
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Questions for the Single Woman
When is it
appropriate to express affection to a man and when is it not?
If you are single, discerning where to draw the line of appropriate expressions of affection can be very confusing. If you are interested in a potentially fulfilling relationship with someone, you want to appear open without appearing desperate. If you are not interested in a romantic relationship with this person, you want to avoid sending signals that you are. And whether you are interested in a serious relationship or not, you want to avoid expressing affection in any sort of sexually provocative way. So, here are some questions a single woman should ask before expressing affection to a man.
§
Is this person unattached? Does this person have a
“significant other” in his life who would be concerned with how I express
affection toward him?
§
Is my expression of affection in line with the current level
of my relationship with this person?
§
Do I sense that this man has personal feelings toward me
that I do not or should not reciprocate? If so, would signs of affection give
him the impression that I am interested in more than a friendship when, in
fact, I am not?
§
Could this expression of affection be interpreted as
seductive, or does it truly reflect godly character?
If
you have a clear conscience after prayerfully and honestly asking yourself
these questions, then feel free to express your affection to this person in
appropriate ways.
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Isn’t Flirting Harmless?
While many women flirt with men
intentionally, others don’t realize that their amorous comments are
inappropriate. We hear this kind of language so often in the media that
flirting can be a natural or automatic response. Some women are too naïve to
recognize the impact that their words and mannerisms have on the opposite
sex. Other women are well aware, but
are so hungry for affirmation that they continue to jeopardize their integrity
in order to fish for compliments anyway.
Here is a list of questions to
help you discern whether the words that come out of your mouth and into his
ears are in his personal best interest or in the best interest of your own ego.
o
What is my
motive for making this comment? Is it godly?
o
What do I
hope to gain by saying this?
o
Is this
man married? If so, would his wife get
upset with me if she knew I was speaking to her husband in this way?
o
Am I using
words to manipulate this person into a deeper relationship, into meeting my
needs, or into making me feel better?
o
If I
actually said what I am thinking about saying, then turned around to find my
husband (or friend, boss, pastor, or child) standing there, would I have some
explaining to do?
While kind words and compliments
can be appropriate, we must be honest about our motives and recognize when they
border on becoming manipulative or flirtatious.
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A Chat about CHAT-ROOMS
Exposing the
lure of the Internet
What makes Internet chat rooms so
alluring to women? Here are some of the
answers I’ve received from women who believe they are harmless—along with my
reply to their thoughts.
Ø
“It is
exciting to be intimate with a stranger.” Since when is sitting at a desk
and typing back and forth intimate? Anyone can be excited by a stranger.
Everything you learn or share is new, but learning new things about a strange
person is not intimacy. Intimacy is seeing what is truly on the inside of a
person (which can only be discovered face to face over long periods of time
such as what you experience in marriage).
Ø
“I can be
anyone I want to be while online.” Why would you want to waste your time being anyone other than
yourself? You could spend that time
becoming the person that God wants you to be. Besides, if you aren’t yourself,
how can you feel good about this man’s feelings for you? You can’t even be sure he knows you. Also
remember that he can be anybody he wants to be, too. He can act like Regis Philbin, but turn out to be more like Jack
the Ripper!
Ø
“I appreciate
someone being interested in getting to know me regardless of what I look
like.” But don’t
think for a minute that he’s not eventually going to be very interested in what
you look like. Then what will you do?
Why go there? Don’t get hooked.
Ø “I enjoy just conversing with a man without having
the expectation placed on me to get physical.”
You may not want to get physical with him now, but after
you’ve swallowed every line he’s fed you about himself and you’ve poured your
heart out to him, you are going to want to move beyond the emotional. Remember, women are Crock-Pots who love to
simmer emotionally, but once we’ve had time to warm up, we get hot!
To avoid getting burned, I suggest befriending only real people in our
lives (not virtual people).
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