A Conversation with Shannon Ethridge
author of Every
Woman’s Battle
Q. In
the opening pages of your book, you reveal some very personal information about
yourself. At one time, you were having affairs with five different men?
A. Yes, I
was. I was not having a physical affair with any of these men, but I was still
having an affair with each of them—a mental and/or emotional affair.
Q. Explain what you mean by “mental and/or emotional affair.”
A. I can answer that best by briefly explaining my relationship with each
of these men.
First,
there was Scott. I met him while volunteering at a summer camp. Scott was so
outgoing and talkative. What initially attracted me to him was how he could
have a conversation with anyone—not just a superficial one, but a deep,
meaningful discussion. In comparison,
however, my husband was a man of few words: the strong, silent type.
Then there was my scuba coach, Mark.
With his distinguished, salt-and-pepper hair, he looked just like Lloyd
Bridges. Mark’s maturity and love for diving intrigued me. He encouraged me to
overcome my fears and helped me discover my underwater adventuresome side. I
felt safe with him, like a daughter feels safe with her dad. My husband, on the
other hand, was just a few years older that I. He didn’t evoke within me a
feeling of being nurtured and safe as Mark did.
Tom was my accounting teacher at the
university I attended. What struck me about Tom was his wit and intelligence.
Tom had a way of making accounting the most fun and interesting part of my day.
My husband was an intelligent accountant also, but his wit paled in comparison
to Tom’s.
Then there was Ray. He had been my previous boyfriend before I
married my husband, Greg. Ray was a die-hard romantic, heaping compliments on
me and sweeping me off my feet with whirlwind passion. My relationship with my
husband never seemed to have the magic spark that I felt when I was with Ray.
Ray had set the romantic standard that my husband couldn’t live up to.
Finally, there was Clark. He was ruggedly handsome, suave and
debonair. I looked forward to being
with him every Friday night. As I approached the counter at the movie rental
store, the owner automatically went to the classic section and pulled out any
Clark Gable movie. It didn’t matter
which one. I loved them all. Even standing tall at six foot seven inches, my
husband just couldn’t measure up to Clark.
Q. How did these emotional affairs affect
your relationship with your husband?
A. These
affairs in my heart and mind affected my marriage and my relationship with my
husband, Greg, in a way just as damaging as a sexual affair would have. I was
overlooking all of the many wonderful things about my husband because I was
either focusing on the positive attributes of one of these other men or
focusing on my husband’s negative attributes.
Because I lived with Greg, I saw not just the good, but also the bad and
the ugly. Sometimes I felt that Greg couldn’t
do anything to suit me. I felt
distanced and disillusioned. I wondered if he could ever excite me like the
other men did. Was I still in love with him? Could he ever measure up? Could I
ever learn to live with my less-than-perfect partner?
Every
Woman’s Battle Q&A, page two
Q. Are you convinced that every woman could likely relate to your story in some way? Is this really every woman’s battle?
A. During a
decade of pursuing my own healing from these and other issues, as well as
teaching on the topic of sexual purity and restoration, I have come to
understand that in some way or another sexual and emotional integrity is a
battle that every woman fights, whether she is single or married. However, many women are fighting this battle
with their eyes closed because they don’t believe they are even engaged in the
battle. Many believe that just because
they are not involved in a physical, sexual affair they don’t have a problem
with sexual and emotional integrity.
Many believe that women just don’t struggle with sexual issues like men do.
As a result, women engage in thoughts and behaviors that compromise their
integrity and rob them of true sexual and emotional fulfillment.
Q. In your own story, your emotional affairs evolved out of the practice of comparing your husband to other men in your past and present. What caution can you offer women who also engage in making comparisons?
A. While it
is common knowledge that women often compare themselves to one another and
compare their husbands to other men, one may ask, “What has that got to do with
sexual and emotional integrity?” Here
area few examples of statements I’ve heard from women who have obviously fallen
into this trap:
“I wish my husband aged as well as Sean Connery!”
“My husband is far from being a rocket scientist or
brain surgeon, you know!”
“My husband just doesn’t meet my emotional needs like
my coworker does.”
“You are so lucky to have a
husband who will go to church with you every Sunday.”
When women compare their husbands with other men, they are toying with a threat similar to the threat a man plays with when visually lusting after other women. Whether the comparison is physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, we not only show disrespect for our husbands’ uniqueness, but we also undermine our marriages and our emotional integrity.
Q. What are some questions a woman can ask herself to determine if she is compromising her emotional and sexual integrity?
A. I list 25
of these questions in the book, but there is no “magic number” that will
determine your level of sexual or emotional integrity. However, if in reading
through all 25 questions there are some that seem to awaken the reader to the
fact that her sexual activity, romantic behavior, or emotional attachments are
a hindrance to spiritual growth or intimacy in marriage, then this book is
designed to help achieve victory in that area of struggle. Here are five of the 25 listed in Every
Woman’s Battle:
1.
Do you feel
secretly excited or powerful when you sense that a man finds you attractive?
2.
Do you
often choose your attire based on the men you will encounter that day?
3.
Do you find
yourself flirting or using sexual innuendos (even if you don’t intend to) when
conversing with someone you find attractive?
4.
Do you
spend more time or energy ministering to the needs of others through church or
social activities than you do to your husband’s sexual needs?
5.
Do you
fantasize about being intimate with someone other than your husband?
Q. If this is a battle for every woman, where is it being fought?
A. There are
four areas, our minds, our hearts, our mouths, and our bodies,
that women need to guard if they want to win over sexual temptation.
Every
Woman’s Battle Q&A, page three
Q. Proverbs
says “above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” How
to you counsel women in guarding their hearts?
A. Your heart
needs to be a primary concern if you hope to be a woman of sexual and emotional
integrity. It’s one thing to determine
how far is too far physically in a
premarital or extramarital relationship but it is another to answer how far is
too far emotionally. I dedicate a
chapter in the book to exploring two models I’ve developed- one for single
women and one for married women- which teach us how to understand and set
emotional boundaries when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. This training gives women knowledge and
confidence in how to guard their hearts. But, the underlying principle is that
the secret to ultimate emotional satisfaction is to pursue a mad, passionate
love relationship with the One who made our hearts, the One who purifies our
hearts, and the One who strengthens our hearts against worldly temptations. The
secret of guarding your heart is to focus your heart on your First Love.
Q. Practically speaking, how does a woman
guard her mind from sexual and emotional temptations?
A. One of the
ways women can avoid sexual misconduct is to resist inappropriate thoughts and
images by limiting their access to their minds. There are three questions I ask
myself and encourage women to ask themselves before allowing images and ideas
in magazines, books, movies, television, radio and the Internet enter my mind.
1.
Does this
glamorize ideas or situations that oppose my Christian values?
2.
Is it
uplifting to my spirit, and does it make me grateful for what God has given me,
or does it make me depressed and dissatisfied?
3.
Does this
cause me to think about things that build my own character, or does it tear it
down?
Q. If a woman applies those questions, it seems her choices of reading material will be rather limited! How do you choose books and magazines for yourself?
A. I am very
selective about the women’s magazines I pick up because so many of the messages
aren’t helpful to me. When I read the pages and pages of advice on how to be
skinnier, and I look at the pencil-thin models in their underwear, I can get
pretty depressed looking at myself in the mirror. Additionally, I choose not to
read romance novels. I consider steamy romance novels to be pornography for
females. They often glamorize sex
outside of marriage and can arouse us sexually. I am also careful about
Christian romance novels if I find
myself comparing my husband to the hero in the story and thinking about all the
ways Greg doesn’t measure up.
Q. What kinds of questions do you receive from women when you are teaching them to guard their mouths as a means of protecting them from sexual compromise?
A. Many women
have asked me, “Is it okay to flirt if I’m single?” Still others ask me “Isn’t it okay for a married woman to flirt
as long as she doesn’t behave amorously with anyone other that her
husband?” Flirting is defined as a type
of teasing, or behaving amorously without serious intent. Regardless of her marital status, should a
woman stir up a man (emotionally or physically) when she has no intention of
pursing a relationship with him? Is it
loving to tease someone with your attentions and affections if you have no
desire to fulfill any hopes you may arouse?
In my opinion, showing a sincere love and respect for others allows no
room for flirting or teasing.
In
addition to the practice of flirting, I also address some specific guidelines
for handling private conversations with men whether these conversations take
place face-to-face, over the phone, or via computer. These men might be
co-workers, men in your church, neighbors, doctors, workers who come into your
home or anonymous men you might begin chatting with over the internet. We can
learn to communicate with men in friendly but to-the-point ways that will not
jeopardize our emotional integrity.
Every
Woman’s Battle Q&A, page four
Q. In her journey to sexual and emotional fulfillment, what is one practical way a woman can guard her body against temptation?
A. I have
learned from my own experience and the experience of so many of the women I
counsel, the importance of modesty in guarding against sexual temptation. The Bible does not specifically state how
long a skirt should be or what sections of skin should always be covered, but
we know men are visually stimulated at the sight of a woman’s body. One of the
concepts I impress upon women is that we
teach people how to treat us. With
modest dress we teach them to treat us with respect and with immodest attire we
teach them to treat us with disrespect.
Q. Where can a woman find support as she seeks to establish healthy emotional and sexual boundaries?
A. If you are
in a season of temptation, seek out a trusted friend or counselor. You may choose to confide in your
husband. I always run to Greg when I’m
facing sexual or emotional temptation because he has a vested interest in
keeping me lifted up in prayer. I also
have a few female accountability relationships. If you don’t have a husband or friend that you can lean on during
this time of trial, it would be wise to seek professional counsel. Don’t assume that your problem isn’t big
enough to warrant taking the time to do so.
Talk about it before it gets any bigger. Whether it’s your husband or a friend or a counselor, if you know
you are going to have to answer to someone else about your thoughts, words and
actions, you’ll try harder to limit them to things you wouldn’t be embarrassed
to admit. Getting real and honest with
yourself and with someone who can keep you from falling into the pit of
compromise is the best lifeline available.
Q. As women begin finding victory over old temptations, how can they begin to reconnect with their husbands and enjoy the sexual and emotional fulfillment God intends for marriage?
A. I
encourage women to ask themselves, “Do I consider my husband my friend?” I confess that I was guilty of not treating
my husband respectfully as I would my best friend. I also encourage women and
their husband’s to learn each other’s love languages as a way to nurture
intimacy. And finally, there are some practical dos and don’ts for cultivating
genuine intimacy in lovemaking that help in rebuilding the bond between husband
and wife.
As women seek to build genuine intimacy with their husband, my prayer is that they will not only discover the thrill of the victory in this battle, but that they will also experience indescribable joy in the journey. I encourage all women to look directly to God to guide them there.