EXCERPTS
FROM
Every
Young Woman’s Battle
by
Shannon Ethridge and Stepehen Arterburn
Shannon’s Private War
If
anyone had asked me when I was twelve if I wanted to remain a virgin until
marriage, I would have said, “Of course I do!”
At thirteen, I would have said, “I think so.”
By fourteen, I would have replied “Maybe.”
At age fifteen, my response would have been, “I
don’t see how that is possible.”
Unfortunately, my innocence became just a memory
that year. I was date raped, which I
never told anyone about for fear that I would be blamed. I had, after all, flirted with this
eighteen-year-old boy to get his attention and had agreed to spend time alone
with him behind my parents’ back, so I mistakenly said nothing. Because I kept this secret, no one helped me
heal from the abuse or told me I was still a virgin in God’s eye. (We’ll talk more about the nature of
virginity in the next chapter.)
A few months later, my parents
allowed me to begin dating. Because I
believed that my virginity had already been stolen from me, I didn’t feel I had
a reason to withhold my body from most of the young men I dated. Sex became a routine part of my romantic
relationships—the price that I felt I must pay for the attention and affection
that I craved. This is one of the
reasons I want you to read this book. I
want you to have the information I did not have. I also want you to live without secrets and to be open about who
you are and how you feel about boys and what they want to do with you.
Back to the Blueprints for
Sexuality
Upon
hearing that you are a sexual person, you might think, Well, if God made me to be a sexual being, He must intend for me to
have sex! But you are confusing
being sexual with being sexually active. The two are not the same thing. By
God’s design we are sexual (male or female) all our lives, but His perfect plan
only allows for sexual intercourse within the boundaries of a marriage
relationship.
Or you might mistakenly believe,
Once I have sex, I’ll be a woman. Until then, I’m still a girl. Our society has almost made the act of
sexual intercourse into a rite of passage into adulthood. It’s not.
In fact, that’s complete nonsense.
Think about it, if a
ten-year-old girl has sex, does that make her a woman? Statistically speaking, only 80 percent of
women will ever marry, so does that mean that the 20 percent who stay single
remain girls rather than women? Does
the fact that an adult has never had sex make that person any less of a man or
a woman? Of course not. Having sex doesn’t make you a man or a woman
any more than standing in a garage holding a flower vase makes you a Volkswagen
Beetle. In other words, your sexuality
is not defined by what you do, but by
who you are.
The Mind-Heart-Soul-Body
Connection
While
a guy gets tempted sexually because of what he sees, you are more likely to be
tempted sexually because your heart is crying out for someone to satisfy your
innermost desires to be loved, needed, valued, and cherished. While a guy also needs mental, emotional,
and spiritual connection, his physical needs tend to be in the driver’s seat
and his other needs ride along in the back.
The reverse is true for you. A
young woman’s emotions are usually in the driver’s seat. That’s why it’s said that guys give love to get sex and girls give sex to get love. Sadly, we know of many girls who had sex
when all they really wanted was someone to hold them. We want you to know that sex outside of marriage will never bring
you the love and acceptance you want, but with God’s help you can find
fulfillment and satisfaction in healthy ways.
In addition, a male can enjoy
the act of sex without committing his heart or bonding spiritually with the
object of his physical desire. This is
the ultimate act of compartmentalization, and guys are masters at it. Never assume a guy feels what you feel.
A healthy young female, on the
other hand, usually gives her body only to someone she thinks of night and day
and with whom her heart and spirit have already connected (unless there is
dysfunctional or addictive behavior involved).
And when she givers her mind, heart, and soul, her body usually follows
right behind them. The four are
intricately connected.
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two
Building Lives of Sexual
Integrity
If
you think being a person of sexual integrity means that you are a boring,
frigid young woman who never has any fun with a guy, nothing can be further
from the truth. A young woman of sexual
integrity is free to enjoy the excitement and fun of romantic relationships
without all the worry that compromise brings into our lives.
Compromise is the opposite of
integrity. It leads you to do things
that take your mind and heart away from Christ. It usually begins in small ways, but eventually blossoms into
big-time sin that controls us.
So if you want to live a life of
sexual integrity, you will be undivided in your devotion to sexual purity,
refusing to be controlled by your sexual passions. When you exercise self-control, you will be free to share
yourself completely with your husband in a passionate sexual relationship
without the scars and emotional baggage that can come with compromise. Just think how much your husband will love
that you saved your sexual pleasures especially for him and that you can love
him with reckless abandon, not just with your body, but also with your mind,
heart and soul.
Pursuing Power
“Pick Him Up Tips”
“Make Your Ex-Boyfriend Want
You Back”
“Get Him to Do Anything You
Want”
These
are just a few of the many magazine headlines that scream for your
attention. The media is constantly
bombarding you with the message that if you want a guy, you’ve got the power to
get him—so use it!
. .
. We are living in an age when many women are using guys for their own
self-satisfaction and are more predatory than their male counterparts. Many are desperate for affirmation that they
are desirable and often control others in their pursuit of that
affirmation. While it’s appropriate and
healthy for any female not to want to be overpowered by a male, it’s not appropriate
to strive for the reverse—girls
overpowering guys.
. . .Use your power to guard yourself against
being taken advantage of and mistreated.
But don’t use your power to take advantage of others and mistreat them. Do unto others as you would have them do
unto you (Matthew 7:12). Respect others
and expect them to respect you.
Dressing to Impress
You
know that young men are visually stimulated at the sight of a woman’s body,
especially a scantily clad body (and if you still haven’t grasped this truth,
we recommend you read Every Young Man’s
Battle!). You may also know that
godly young men are trying desperately to bounce their eyes away from sexually
stimulating images. Are you acting
lovingly or selfishly if you know these things yet insist on wearing clothes
that reveal as much of your sleek curves and tanned skin as possible?
As you are getting dressed each
morning, try evaluating what you intend to wear. Ask yourself: Would wearing this outfit be a loving expression,
not causing my brothers to stumble and fall?
. . . In a day and age when more
skin is in, when underwear has become outerwear, and Victoria’s Secret lingerie
is no longer worn secretly, perhaps it’s time to rethink your wardrobe. While only you can ultimately decide whether
each article of clothing is appropriate or inappropriate, we can offer you help
for determining how others are going to be affected by your attire as you walk,
bend, reach, and wiggle around throughout the day.
Bouncing Your Thoughts
You
can bounce inappropriate thought right out of your brain by rehearsing
appropriate responses to them. For
instance, if you suddenly imagine yourself getting sexual with your date,
bounce that thought by imagining how you will respond if he starts french
kissing you or asks you to do something sexual. Practice in your mind how you will politely refuse to go
there. Instead of envisioning how you
can manipulate your boyfriend into being alone with you, imagine how much fun
you can have together in a public setting.
In your mind’s eye, see yourself nipping any unhealthy obsession in the
bud. Bounce unhealthy thoughts out of
your mind and usher in healthy ones.
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Guarding Your Mind
If
you have a steady diet of messages in the media that weaken your defenses in
the battle for sexual integrity, we strongly urge you to go on a starvation
diet. When you starve your appetite for
sin, it loses its power over you. Then
your hunger for righteousness and purity begins driving your thoughts, actions,
and attitudes.
To starve yourself, simply do
these things:
·
Decide
not to watch daytime or evening soap operas . . .
·
Avoid
watching television talk shows that make a mockery out of God’s plan for sex .
. .
·
Choose
not to read steamy romance novels . . .
·
Don’t
watch MTV . . .
·
Avoid
looking at any form of pornography, whether it is in print, on film, or on the
Internet . . .
When
you refuse to look at, read, or listen to these forms of sex-saturated media,
you strengthen your ability to resist temptation. Allow only healthy messages to come into your mind—messages that
are going to equip you to lead the kind of truly fulfilling, God-honoring life
that you desire to live.
Misconceptions
about Abstinence
One study revealed that 61 percent of college freshmen
and sophomores considered mutual masturbation to be abstinent behavior and
that 24 percent thought anal sex was abstinence as well. The philosophy
seems to be that “if I can't get pregnant by doing it, it's
abstinence!" This is an extremely limited and false view of sexual
abstinence. A sexually abstinent lifestyle means refraining from any type
of genital contact or any other activity which serves to arouse you (or him)
sexually. Oral sex, mutual masturbation, and anal sex all fall into that
category and should be avoided altogether.
Many believe these behaviors are
acceptable, and think, As long as there
is no vaginal penetration; I'm abstinent and therefore, still a virgin.
A "technical" virgin, perhaps, but still a virgin . . . . We don't want
to rain on anyone's purity parade, but being merely a technical virgin is
nothing to be proud of. It basically just says that you are unable to
exercise sexual self-control and are barely hanging on to your virginity by one
single thread—the thread of vaginal penetration.
Winning the Emotional Battle
When
we hear people say, “Girls don’t struggle with sexual issues like guys do!” we
cannot help but wonder what planet they are from or what rock they have been
hiding under. For every young man who
falls into sexual sin, isn’t there usually a young woman falling with him? Perhaps what these people really mean to say
is, “Young women don’t struggle with the physical aspect of sexuality like a
young man does.”
Remember, guys and girls
struggle in different ways when it comes to their sexuality. A young man must guard his eyes to maintain
sexual integrity, but because God made you to be emotionally stimulated, you
must closely guard your heart. Your
battle is for sexual and emotional integrity because if you fail to guard your
heart, your body will be much more vulnerable to physical temptations.
By Shannon Ethridge and Stephen Arterburn
Interviews and information available from McClure
Muntsinger Public Relations,
Pamela McClure, pamela@mmpublicrelations.com,
615.595.8321