Q & A with Kathy Peel
America’s Family Manager and author of Desperate Households
When you personally oversee family makeovers, what is the most rewarding element?
During these makeovers, I’ve seen husbands and wives rekindle their relationships, and parents and children develop family team spirit and learn to communicate in healthy ways. I’ve seen basements and closets once piled high with years of accumulated stuff become organized and useful places. Perhaps most rewarding, I’ve seen women rediscover their inestimable worth and find time for self-care and development. It’s incredibly moving to see lives transformed when basic Family Management principles are applied. For me, nothing compares to watching desperation morph into purpose, accomplishment, and a deeper connection with family members.
Kathy, are you an organizer by nature?
When people hear me introduced as America’s Family Manager (after Oprah Winfrey called me this, the moniker stuck), they are sometimes surprised to hear that I’m not instinctively organized. After all, what’s America’s Family Manager, if not organized? The reality is that learning to manage my home and family did not come easily or quickly. Instead, it was born out of a series of failures. Some of the things you’ll read are downright embarrassing for me to tell. You see, when I married, I was close to totally incompetent in almost every area of Family Management. These stories don’t make me proud, but I share them with you to give you hope. I now can see how the lessons I learned from each blunder contributed to a system that today keeps our family and thousands of other families on track. Trust me, no matter how bad your circumstances seem now, they can get better!
But aren’t some women, those who are right-brained, just destined to have disorganized homes?
For the most part, organization and management theories have been dominated by left-brained thinkers, so most of us have learned left-brained methods of doing things, such as “Handle each piece of paper only once,” “Finish one thing before you start another,” and “Schedule certain tasks at certain times for certain success.” This fits left-brainers, who like to carefully make plans, set their priorities, and schedule things precisely. However, this way of doing things overlooks a part of the mental process most right-brainers use. They think that people who make a big deal out of counting how many times they handle a piece of paper need their own help line. They like to juggle a number of different projects at a time and are okay living in a somewhat cluttered environment. This looks irresponsible and sloppy to left-brainers. But to a right-brainer, a loose grip on details makes perfect sense. Their “mess” works as visual organization and order. My sense of self-worth and perspective about life changed in numerous positive ways when I discovered and accepted my natural brain dominance and developed a personal Family Management style to fit.
My definition of clean and that of my teenagers just don’t line up—which results in a lot of nagging. What do I do?
Come up with your family’s definition of clean. Be specific, and let everyone have a say. Describe what each room looks like when it’s clean. This means everyone will probably have to give a little (and maybe in some cases a lot), but that’s what being a family and a team is about. In my experience, this is an eye-opening exercise, mainly because you, the Family Manager, see things that others take for granted. Maybe your teenager will give a general description of how he likes the bathroom: clean. Maybe he has never thought about why there is or isn’t mildew in the shower or what that funny little brush is in the container behind the toilet. Coming up with a definition of clean is a good springboard for discussion and a good way to start the process of delegating the chores it takes to maintain your shared definition of clean.
So you think it’s okay to make the kids help out with the cleaning?
You’re doing your kids a favor when you require them to help out at home. They learn life skills—like running the washing machine. You also teach them cooperation and collaboration skills that will serve them in any walk of life. Delegating also helps balance and workloads between marriage partners. And it builds on the idea that home belongs to everyone; therefore, everyone contributes to its care.
Many parents wonder what to do when their kids won’t cooperate. If you can relate to their problem, consider these questions: Does your son or daughter watch TV? play video or computer games? enjoy using favorite toys or electronic devices? Those activities, and others like them, are privileges, not rights. We do our kids a favor when we have a policy that says: Until you fulfill your responsibilities, you do not get your privileges. Granted, kids won’t like this—but they’ll bow to it if you stand firm. Even more important than your children’s cooperation is the lesson they learn about real life. After all, that’s the way the adult world operates. If you don’t fulfill your responsibilities for your job, you won’t have the privilege of getting a paycheck or maybe even having a job at all. Your child deserves to learn this at home, where the stakes are small, rather than in the cold, cruel world, where the stakes are enormous.
Mornings are the worst for me. What is one step I can take to change the chaos?
Get out of bed earlier in the morning. I only did it because I had to at first. God helped me, and then one day I found that I actually liked doing it. Of course, we don’t always end of liking everything we have to do. But here are some small steps toward an earlier rising time:
· Decide you’re going to become a morning person. Repeat out loud, over and over, “I am a morning person. I start the day off right for myself and my family.” If this sounds silly to you, do it anyway. The message will become planted in your subconscious mind.
· Take a long, hot soak in the tub before bed. This starts the relaxation process.
· Turn off the television at least thirty minutes before bed.
· View your bedroom as a place to rest and relax only. Make your bed as comfortable as possible. If your pillow is uncomfortable, replace it.
· Start the habit of reading the Bible or a good book just before you turn off the light. Fill your mind with positive thoughts to pave the way for a peaceful night’s rest.
· Set two alarms (one battery powered). Keep one in the bathroom so you have to get out of bed to turn it off.
· Program your coffeepot so your coffee will be ready when you are.
· Get out of your jammies ASAP in the morning.
· Create a comfortable spot in your home where you can start the day with God.
I think our home would feel more manageable if we just cleared out the clutter. But the job seems pretty overwhelming—where do we start?
If you’d like to tackle the clutter in your home but just aren’t motivated or able to devote a full day to de-clutter yet, don’t give up. By taking the following small steps, you’ll begin to address the problem.
· Set deadlines. Deadlines are the best guarantee a job will be done. Jot down on your calendar the time or day you want to have a task completed. If need be, ask a friend or family member to hold you accountable.
· Make appointments to get things done. Don’t wait for time to free up. If you have a big project to accomplish, schedule work appointments with yourself in thirty-minute or one-hour blocks. Be serious about this time like you would any other appointment. Before you know it, you’ll have the project licked.
· Be prepared. The projects you have the tools or resources for will be finished before the ones you’re not prepared for. For example, if you schedule time to organize a closet, have on hand various sizes of organizing bins, self-sealing plastic bags, garbage bags, and boxes for giveaway items.
·
Barter with a friend. If your closets are out of control, but you’re a whiz
in the kitchen, and your friend is naturally organized but hates to cook, she
comes to your house one day to help you organize closets, you go her house one
day to help her cook up some meals and get them in the freezer. You both win.
Whether clutter is a big or little problem for you, when you start winning the battle against it, you’ll notice how good it feels—how much easier your life is without it.
Kathy Peel is the author of
Desperate Households: How to Restore Order and Harmony to Your Life and Home
Available July 2007 from Tyndale House Publishers
For permission to reprint this article, and for review copies and interview requests:
Pamela McClure, pamela@mmpublicrelations.com, 615-595-8321