Q & A with Drs. David and Jan Stoop
Authors of Better Than Ever: Seven
Secrets of Great Marriages
You’ve compiled your
Seven Secrets of Great Marriages from over 20,000 hours of leading couples counseling. Which secret do you believe is the most
pivotal for marriage success?
I
think that defining the role of the husband is the most powerful secret we
discuss in the book. It is
research-based, and when the husband can get a handle on what it means to set
the pace in his marriage, it forms the foundation for a great marriage.
Which of the seven secrets has been most difficult
to master in your own five decades of marriage?
Telling
each other the truth is something that is easy to let slip by. We can simply overlook things that are
important, or we can stretch the truth one way of the other in order to
“protect” our partner. But only when the
marriage is based on truth is it on solid ground.
You suggest that a “good-enough” marriage can move
on to greater marital satisfaction. Where
does a couple begin?
I
think they begin by recognizing that every couple has problems—they are a
natural part of marriage. So starting
with the recognition that unresolved problems are always going to be part of
their marriage is helpful. Learning how
to talk about those problems in a way that doesn’t lead them into an escalation
of emotions is the next step.
And what about couples that are barely hanging
on? What is their first step toward a good
marriage?
In
our marriage, it was the commitment to never give up, and we had to come to the
realization that we were equally responsible for the problems as well as for
the solutions. Perseverance is a
powerful quality that needs to be a part of the marriage relationship—not just
putting up with things, but having both partners really committed to working on
solutions and change.
Every marriage faces problems—some sooner than
others. But you say one of the secrets
to a great marriage has to do with one’s attitude toward handling problems. Which attitudes are deadly to a marriage and
which attitudes build up a marriage?
It’s
especially dangerous for a couple to believe that incompatibility marks the end
of their marriage. All couples are
incompatible. Simply being two separate
people makes for incompatibility. Too many
couples give up based on the myth of incompatibility. Couples in great marriages have learned the
power of a forgiving lifestyle.
You write that a
husband’s role as family leader is vital in “great” marriages, but not critical
for “good-enough” marriages. Can you
explain this phenomenon?
There are a lot of variations on the “good-enough”
marriage. And some marriages work with a
passive husband. A lot of couples are
satisfied with “good-enough” and have various styles of leadership and
involvement. But couples who want a
great marriage find that the husband is the key to their moving to greatness.
One of the seven
secrets is to “make your spouse your #1 human relationship.” Do you see this as a greater challenge for
couples as they add children? How can parents
make their marriage a priority in the chaos of family life?
One
of the greatest tests in a marriage is the birth of the first child. I see couples who have settled for a marriage
with Dad as the breadwinner, and Mom as the primary caregiver for the kids, and
the marriage is on hold. What they fail
to recognize is the resentment that begins to build in one or both of them over
the fact that neither one feels like #1 with their partner. They have to learn that the marriage is still
the priority, especially when the kids are young.
David and Jan, you
have been married to one another for more than fifty years. What do you consider to be the greatest trial
your marriage has endured? The greatest
blessing of staying together so long?
We call the first ten years of our marriage our
“great tribulation.” We marvel that we
made it together through those years. A
lot of what Dave had to learn was that our marriage was his top priority, and
that was the way God had planned it.
When a mentor couple worked with us, we both got our priorities right
and that marked a major change in our marriage.
The greatest blessing of staying together so long
is that we have so many shared memories.
It is awesome to look back over the 50 plus years and know that we
shared all those things together.
David and Jan Stoop
are the authors of
Better Than Ever: Seven Secrets of Great Marriages
Available December 2007 from Jordon House/Meredith Books
For permission to reprint this article, and for review copies and
interview requests:
Pamela McClure, pamela@mmpublicrelations.com,
615-595-8321